grief map
1. Look closely. There is a statuette above the back door of a woman in a black dress. Flowers encircle her skull head. She is there for my departed mother and all around her are plants to nurture: an asparagus fern that I am learning to love; spiderwort which asks little of me and impresses with variegated leaves; a monstera in propagation and a few cuttings of golden pothos. She is surrounded by life and this corner of the kitchen is aglow at sundown.
2. Sending stories skyward. There are stories in my heart that have become heavy. Too heavy to lift and set outside of myself. They weigh me down asking for rest; for long nights of sleep. These stories have to be coaxed out for they have deep roots. They are complex. Extricating them is a task to heal myself, but also to say to others, you didn’t know, and I needed help. I don’t want to punish. I only want to reconcile.
3. The facts are scant. My childhood was observed by my mother, my father and my brother. Our parents are dead so my brother and I compare fragments of the same memories, but there are some that are only mine. I remember the kitchens of my mother’s nursing clients where I was left to inspect vibrant colours: red formica, turquoise vinyl, chrome wall clocks and chalkware fruit. Or the contents of the one-room home beside the train tracks where Carl lived: a single bed, a wood stove and a small table. On summer days I was asked to go outside where I would gaze at Carl’s Model T and remember how it drove in the parade. On winter days I would slump into the seat of the Buick and stare out through the eternal wait thinking of when we searched for the penny my brother and I put on the tracks.
4. I was just a child. A witness. Lying silently in my dark bedroom hearing the quieted, sharp words from down the hall. When it ended I would tiptoe to the living room to watch anything that aired before the “O Canada” sign-off animation. Or climb the wood stairs to my brother’s room where safety always reigned.
Prompted by Kate Siklosi’s poem, “grief map 2”
coming up
july 11
Saskatchewan Jazz Festival
Saskatoon, SK
with Johnny Reid, Alex Cuba, Jeffery Straker
tickets
july 13
Big Flat Folk Festival
Eastend, SK
with Colter Wall, Blake Berglund, Del Barber, Noeline Hofmann, Zachary Lucky, Lachlan Neville, Gil and Wil
tickets
september 7
Homestand Festival
Ross Wells Ball Park
Moose Jaw, SK
with 54•40, Toque, The Steadies
tickets